As if.

AS IF it doesn't kill me that I'm missing this season of SYTYCD...

AS IF it doesn't kill me that my home is so far away...

AS IF it doesn't kill me that I haven't seen my sisterhood and mission friends in months....

AS IF it doesn't kill me that I'm in the fashion capital of the country and don't have the money for any of it...

AS IF it doesn't kill me that the girls here are twig skinny and I don't have the body for the clothes anyway...

AS IF I don't mind the fact that I haven't had a home-cooked meal in weeks...(ya I know, speaking of body. ha!)

AS IF I don't sometimes miss spending my summer on the beach...

AS IF I don't miss my mom and pops enough...

AS IF all that weren't enough, I had to come across these today from photobooth.

I miss seeing these kids whenever I want.
I miss babysitting them when Ben & Lu go out on the town.
I miss gabbing with Lu till wee hours of the night with tons of homework still left to do.
I miss watching our DVR-ed shows together over cookies and milk (or another dessert of her choosing).
I miss painting her nails.
I miss scorning her for not taking care of her nails and/or showering.
I miss her green sweater.
I miss Cason saying, "Wawa, happy birthday!" even though it was nearly sixth months prior.
I miss that I'm now (literally) missing Luci saying "Wawa" for the first time.












Should I have titled this "I Miss"?

Operation: Chairlift.

A typical work day includes editing and uploading the latest media footage to the network drive, researching various grants and sponsorships, creating yet another Colin excel sheet of sorts, and writing more e-mails than I typical type in a week. I may or may not have left out the (pretty) frequent facebook update checks.....I'm only human.

Sara and I were surprised to walk into work on Friday and find that our sole task of the day was to pick up an office chair. A big, black office chair donated by a swanky financial trade company.



....it was fifteen blocks.



Can you just try and picture that sight for a moment? Doesn't it seem like it would be rather comical, doing it without my much depreciated car at home?

Well, leave it to New Yorkers to take the quirkiness and fun out of everything. They didn't look or laugh once at the sight of two young girls wheeling each other around Midtown. It's almost like no matter what, they've seen far more bizarre around this city.





I think it's safe to say that the chair needs some new shoes.

And maybe.....I do too.



Totally kidding! I say that to myself everyday.

Change For Kids.

That's who I'm working for.
An organization that is devoted to bringing arts, music, and literacy programs back into the underprivileged elementary schools surrrounding the wealthier Manhattan area (like Brooklyn, the Bronx, Queens...).

Money to sponsor these programs (as I'm soon realizing), doesn't grow on trees. So I help plan the events that accumulate the Benjamins they need....by researching and booking venues, contacting alcohol companies for sponsorships...you get the drill.

It's been fun! And I definitely couldn't complain when it brought me into the presence of professional skaters, a Gossip Girl, and the Yankees.

Just saying.

But life in the non-profit industry isn't all Disney. One moment I'm basking in the giddy glamour of going to big events and meeting the celebrities that involve themselves with the charity, and the next I'm transporting heavy equipment to and across an unconditioned Harlem school. Batting my sweaty forehead alongside the CEO of the organization puts things into their proper perspective fast, and I now understand the truth about non-profits: they have to do everything themselves. There’s no money to have a janitor or furniture mover, there isn’t even enough money to pay themselves extremely well--that would mean one less student had access to the escape and future presented by an arts and literacy education.

It's been quite the humbling experience, to say the least, getting close to kids that come from families living below the poverty line and seeing opportunity sparkle with the touch of a keyboard or violin presented to them. It's powerful. And I don't think I have ever appreciated music so much.





(Three of my favorite girls: 2nd graders Ruth, Melyanet, and Jada at their recital)

I've also never felt so small. There are so many more kids, schools, and causes that need help and attention....so I'm struggling to figure out where I can play into that equation. 

P.S. Where are my eyes in this picture?? Should we play a game of Where's Waldo?

If heaven...

                                                                                   ....doesn't have Serendipity...


                          ......then I ain't going!


                                                          It's really that good.

Thoughts.

 I walked the Brooklyn Bridge this weekend and was settling at a park with some Grimaldi's pizza when I got caught up in some thoughts.



These past few weeks have been a significant step in my life.

I began my first “job.”

Though it is just a “job,” and though I’ve had plenty of experience working, not having my father as the paycheck author makes me feel more qualified in calling myself an “adult.”

Is that silly? It’s still simple busy work like filing and running menial errands to the post office, except that this time I don’t have the cushion of knowing that no matter what the result of my work, my dad will love me unconditionally when we both take our shoes off at the door of our home.

I had absolutely no idea what to expect my first day of work—I was a walking mess. The only other time I can remember being that nervous was when I decided to try-out for the BYU Cheer Team my senior year of high school. Bearing this memory to mind, I quickly realized that the odds of unprecedented success were highly out of my favor since I fell on my face and nearly passed chunks on the judges at my time of introduction...

But what would be the point of life if it were nothing more than a mere pattern of humiliation and failures, almost a form of self-determined destiny? It would be nothing, right?

Right.

That’s when I came across my epiphany: the power of confidence.

I like to think that I’ve done my fair share of observation and research in the area of confidence; my specialty is in the realm of dating. Girl meets boy (or boy meets girl) and gives a few interested gestures or flirtatious banter to fuel the fire, in the form of self-confidence. One moment of vulnerability and low self-esteem too soon and the fire can fizzle out. With dating, confidence is invaluable. That’s why prospects come in numbers at a time or in long, arid spells of none.

Now I understand that the above seems like an unnecessary tangent, but epiphanies are complex.

Are you still listening?

Confidence was my ticket out of the toilet (literally). I came in twenty minutes early to work, shook with a firm handshake, flashed a pearly, close-to-but-not-quite arrogant smile, and settled myself in an aura of ease.

Thirty minutes later, I was entrusted with researching and contacting NYC event space venues and alcoholic sponsors, rather than the paper cutter...as was assigned to the new intern today.

So I suppose the point of my (long) message is:
If you believe in yourself, everyone else (like my intern director) will too.

Just go for it.

-Hay.

In this concrete jungle where dreams are made of

...I can't help but miss my roomies. I wish they were here to share this experience with me, too.



"Place title here."=  Love you girls.

I fear a fever.

BIEBER fever that is.

This is


and we decided that we wanted to attend the Today show's Summer Concert Series this last Friday. The guest:

Bieber.

We figured we should aim to wake up around 3:30 am if we wanted to get a semi-good spot. But we were so wrong. Parents had been in line since eight the previous morning. What a joke!



We managed to reach the front line of the back barricade (something I think we were both proud of)....but what intense fans! The eight to fifteen year-olds surrounding us were the rowdiest crowd I've ever been around, enough to take me (a closet fan) into survival-of-the-fittest mode. I'm ashamed of the things I said to these children.


"Hey you know what, life isn't fair, kid. Get over it!"

"Ya, ya! You think staying up all night in this line is painful?! Try going through college finals week, you punk."

"Girlfriend, JB isn't going to think your fanatic screaming is attractive. Why don't you make it pleasant for someone who has more of a chance."


(Okay....so I didn't really say that last one. But I was thinking it.)

I'm a bit ashamed. I could have crushed these delicate hearts' dreams....and I of all people should recall my own tween days of Aaron Carter obsession.



I suppose I should warn not to let my smile fool you?

The haps.

So. Tired.

I've been parading around the city like it's going out of style.
(As if this place were to EVER go out of style.....the fashion and glamour here is ridiculous.)





Double-decker bus tour: Check.




Eat a hot-dog at Coney Island (yes, the famous Nathan's hot-dog that hosts the 4th of July eating contest!): Oh ya.




See Lady Liberty: You guessed it.




Walk around till my feet could fall off: I don't care--I'm in New York (freaking) City.




Visit Staten Island: So fun.




Experience the nightlife: Been there, done that.




Central Park: What a beauty.
(Really, the serenity you can find there on a sunny afternoon is unreal in a city so busy. If I were a writer, a painter, a poet, or any other artistic prodigy, I would use it as an inspiration.)





Times Square: Too much to even fathom. It will take 5467 trips to truly experience it all.



The art: I'm in LOVE.

There is SO much to see and experience.

I'm trying not to overlook all the little details and hidden charm....and reminding myself of how fortunate and blessed I am to have the life and opportunities that I do. A homeless woman on the subway really hit that home with me. (She was pretending to talk on the phone to some friend. I wanted to give her my shoes and my dad's dental office number.)

"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful." - Buddha 

And good night.